Tuesday, April 14, 2009

"Clutch in the Can"

Alright party people gather 'round. Here it is, one of my favorite parts of the game...the fashion game that is. This is the time when we get to ban together and poke fun at the not so stylish and the fashionaby unfortunate. You know those people you see on the street, on tv, the red carpet...the cube next to you. And you think: "How did this happen? Is there a mirror in that home? How did her/his friends allow this to go down?? WHAT WAS SHE/HE THINKING?"
We know! We feel your pain (it's good for us to come together and share...it is healing).
D and I have coined these occurences "Random Acts of Style-ss". You know, like a Random Act of Violence...where perfectly innocent by-standers (that would be us) have to suffer for someone else's sins (that would be them, the style-ss). The post can be a story, a photo, you name it. Only qualification being the obvious void of all things chic.
So here it is, the kick-off to our regular feature: RANDOM ACTS OF STYLE-SS.
Now i'm going to have to warn you, it can and will get really U.G.L.Y (you will understand after you read below).
So brace yourselves, get your finger ready....point...then laugh...cuz this is a good one!

Today at work, a girl in my department sent out an email to all of the women on our floor. The email read: “FYI: someone left a green clutch in the ladies room”.

Of course, MY brain immediately fires off a random sequence of: “OOOOhhhh, I wonder what color green it is? Maybe Kelly? WOW if it is Kelly Green, it would totally match my Sky High Kelly Green Velvet Stilettos that I just bought! Man, I should sneak to the bathroom and look at it…If I like it, I will ask who ever owns it, where they got it and then maybe, just maybe my search for the perfect bag to match my perfect shoes will be OVER! Hooray!!! But wait! What if the owner never comes forward? The "clutch" will probably go to lost and found and then what will I do? How will I convince the lost and found attendant to let ME have the bag??? MAN! It would probably take about 3 weeks for that to happen and by then, I would have already missed my friend’s art opening in the city where I HAVE to wear my FAB new SKY HIGH KELLY GREEN VELVET STILETTOS!!!!!!!” by this time I was screaming in my head.

Green Shoes
Green Shoes by DC Style Blender featuring KORS Michael Kors heels & wedges

In the middle of my extreme highs and lows surrounding the mysterious green clutch, please note that I still had not laid eyes on this bag yet, my friend, we will call her ‘MEL' turned to me, very annoyed and VERY indignant, ‘MEL' says “Why would someone leave their clutch in the bathroom?? I mean COME ON, how D.U.M.B (and yes she did spell it) is that??”

I was a bit perplexed about why she was so upset by this…I mean it is pretty common place to haul your purse into the bathroom, touch up your make up and then forget it on the counter. I have done it a dozen times AT LEAST! But I brushed her off; somewhat annoyed that she had jolted me out my plans for “Operation Clutch in the Can”. I had to get my hands on this purse ASAP.
The Green Clutch Hold
The Green Clutch Hold by DC Style Blender featuring Forever21 hair accessories

Here is how it went down. I relay the following conversation to you, verbatim:

Mel: “M (that’s me)” she says to me, “what do you think? HOW (please put the emphasis on the HOW) did that happen”

Me (still annoyed): “I don’t know Mel, and who really cares?”

Mel: “I mean, WHO would be carrying around their car parts in the middle of the day and LEAVING them in the bathroom?? How DUMB (she didn’t spell it this time…thank G.O.D)!!!

I just looked at her….trying to process…trying to understand…I just kept looking at her…speechless as it finally started to become clear…and then very VERY sad as it finally dawned on me. But by then, it was too late, she has already started talking again:

Mel: “Oh my God! That is incredible, how did they even get it OUT of the car?”

Me (very slowly and very deliberately): “Mel, a clutch is a purse…a HAND HELD PURSE. Not a “clutch” from a stick shift car”

Mel: “What?!?! No it’s not! They are talking about a “clutch” from a car! A PURSE?? Who the hell has heard of that?”

Me:“Everyone Mel…at least most people”

Mel: “NO! NO they have NOT! I bet you that no one has heard of that except you M and that is because you are all “fashiony” See watch, I’m gonna ask”

Me: “NO MEL DON’T!!”
But before I could stop her, she set off, walking briskly and with purpose. All I could do was watch…I sat at my desk, head hung low, peering at her through the window in my cubicle while: One by one, she went, from cube to cube (including the men and “old people” as she would relay to me later)

And One By One they struck her down…

Each time, taking a bit of her pep and a bit of her pride ‘til finally, she slunk back to me in our corner…defeated, she flopped in her chair and sighed…. “I SWEAR I have NEVER heard of that IN MY LIFE” she says.

I went to her, my cute little STYLE-SS friend, putting my hand on her shoulder I looked her deep in her eyes and said “Melly, the problem is I believe you. I KNOW you have never heard that before…and now everyone else knows too. Mel, they call it a “clutch” because you “clutch” the bag, you know, in your hand” I say this while demonstrating with my hand the “clutching” motion.

She looked up at me, big eyes…so Hazel and so confused.“But M” she says softly “you hold a bag, why don’t they call it a HOLD???”

Truth is stranger than fiction my friends…. M~

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